Hi Matthew. First off, I am in no way a relationship expert, but I will whip out my Judge Judy robe and give you my take on this situation.

In a situation like you wrote about, I think you should confront your roommate first. People all have very different mannerisms and some people have no idea when enough is truly enough. He/She may not even realize that it is an inconvenience.

He/She may be under the assumption that the more the merrier, and talking about it (honestly) may be the trick for him/her to realize that it really is bothering you.

Think that helps?

Matt,
This is one of the issues that, ideally, are hashed out and some ground rules are agreed before the lease is signed. (Check out our roommate agreement checklist.) If the topic was never raised before you moved in, you should have let your roommate know how you felt as soon as the situation made you uncomfortable. He was probably so in love he was just oblivious to you.

I would definitely take the direct approach first. I've been on the other end where I was the botherer rather than the bothered, and sometimes, people just don't know that they're a pain in the butt! They just have no idea! If this doesn't work then it's time to take the legal route. To Sisko, I think your blog is really great - so many people like me need so much help, I just got my first apartment last January and it's been great but I can feel the occasional pain. There's this show that I've noticed about houses and whatnot, about buying and selling them and the drama that comes with getting the best deal. I'd recommend it to you and your readers. It's called Bought and Sold at HGTV. Check out http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/shows_hbas for more info. I know this because I work with them. Thanks and good luck!

I guess I'm in the same situation, plus a bit more. I'm in my fourth year of college and now live 3 other guys, one is basically married (don't know why they don't get their own place), another has his gf come over pretty much every night.

Now as most of us know college housing isn't the most luxurious nor spacious as noted above. Now I guess my $.02 is that we have instead of 4 people which signed the lease, upwards of 6 people in the place and yet I still have to pay full for all the utilities (which we split equally) and rent. On the side of that there is less room for food, storage and random other things they decide "Let's just leave it at his place."

If I had the money to live alone you know that would be my easy way out ....

Great site btw.

Ken,
How about suggesting that you guys split the utility bills six ways and your "couple" roommates pick up a double share. It seems only fair. Good luck!

And thanks for the nice word about our site. Hey, why don't you tell your college's housing office to give us a link. Many schools have already done it.

Ken,

Another option is that each person pays a month's worth. For example, you pay June, a roomie pays July and then the other roomie pays August, etc. Say August is for the "basically married guy," it can be his job to pick it up in full or split it with the love of his life.

Ok, So I am in this situation now. I got a new roommate, and he has his GF over 24/7. We do have a large 3 BR/ 2 Bath apartment, but it still annoys me that she is always there (and our other roommate too). We keep on talking about how best to approach this, but we are really unsure- especially since we can't seem to get time alone with him. If you were successful talking to a roommate about this, please tell me how you did it; or if you were on the other end, please tell mne how you would like to be approached.

I am the girlfriend in this situation and I honestly don't know what to do. It has already been expressed that my boyfriend's two roommates (one much more so than the other) want to sometimes have guys only nights. Cool and all, except they all have different schedules so what night would be their night isn't clear, nor how often this should be a "rule" (I respect the comment above this should have already been discussed before signing the lease when the roommates knew we spent almost all our down time we could together).

He really is the love of my life and my best friend. So often the question comes up:

"Why don't they just move in with each other?"

Well, he comes from a very traditional family and that sort of arrangement is not appropriate for unmarried couples. And as for getting married... we do not feel we need to rush ourselves in to that just to officially live with one another (as it seems his sister has done... even though her and her husband are perfect for one another).

I even suggested that we split the utilities 4 ways since I am there and that is what I am using (as someone had suggested above). I even help contribute to the groceries and such. Everyone agreed that this would be fine. The thing is, every time I am there, the roommate who is bothered with me around is quite rude to me and this agreed upon arrangement doesn't seem to be "okay" anymore.

This specific roommate actually used to be one of my really really good friends in college and he is the one that set me up with his best friend, my boyfriend, now his roommate. Now all of the sudden I feel he treats me as just his roommates girlfriend that is around way to much, rather then his friend too.

I do feel awfully bad that I know he feels I am invading his territory and am not sharing the rent (because truly it isn't my place, nor should I be expected too considering I do not have my own room - heck, I should honestly pay half of my boy's rent since I am technically sharing his room).

But my boyfriend and I just have a healthy relationship where we are okay to so each other every night after work and so on. We enjoy being around each other just that much.

It sucks that this is a problem, honestly. And is there a way to solve it? I don't know. I, as the over-welcomed girlfriend, feel horrible I have caused this negative attribute to the roommates' relationship and it just makes me not want to be around the "24/7" time to spend with my love. And that pisses him off that the nights his roommate gets his "guy time" is only because I feel uncomfortable, bad, upset, etc. about the situation and stay at my place, bored and watching tv with my cat; wishing I could be with him. Which sucks for him, because he is all pissy I refuse to come over (when he wants to be around me) and his guy time turns into a bad situation because he's mad that I refuse to come over because his roommate makes me completely feel a bother... which I admit, I could very well be.

So, I guess to Matthew's situation that "She had her own place, but never stayed there because she was either A) in love that much or B) considered our place her "get away" from her own annoying roommates/living conditions. It was obviously B.".... Well, it isn't exactly obviously B... my whole scenario is obviously A. I love my where I live, but I love my boyfriend more.

Sorry this got so long, and may not help answer at all, however, it's a viewpoint from a different person in the situation questioned upon.

Robin,
What's missing here is any reason why your boyfriend cannot stay at your place every now and then. Do your roommates object?

Robin,

The bottom line is that when a roommate has their girlfriend over everyday (like in my personal situation) it is flat out annoying, period. It has nothing to do with rent, it has everything to do with the statement, "this is where I live and you do not live here."

The fact that you feel as though your love is your reason for being at your boyfriends apartment all the time is laughable. You are at his house all the time because you would feel lonely otherwise. You have grown so accustomed to having someone there that you want to spend all of your down time together, yes, we have all been in a relationship before, but no i don't like to jump to conclusions about love making you attached at the hip.

The definition of LOVE: "When an extraordinary act is done without the expectation of return."

The definition of INFATUATION: "When a person can not be without an object"

Where this plays into the home life scenario is that fact that you adore all of your boyfriends mannerisms, and he yours. Now, all the the roommates are fully aware of your mannerisms as well except we hate them. There is no amount of money or quality of discussions that will make anyone think otherwise. Flat out your existence is annoying to us because we have to deal with the repetitiveness of our engagements without the same connection that you have with your boyfriend.

For example: "If you were dating me and you always say "That's so radd man" whenever you think something is cool, i would think that you were adorable. BUT, every time you say "That's so radd man" and the roommates hear it for the 1,000,000th time it makes them want to stab their eyeballs with dull objects and turn their feet inside out!"

Do you see??? There is nothing anyone can do, male v. female, female v. male, it is all the same. The roommate will never, ever, ever , ever approve of their buddy's girlfriend being over every freaking day. Period.

You said that your former friend who set you up with your current boyfriend treats you differently? Well it is because he sees you everyday and not because you want to or because he wants to but because it is built into his life.

If you were to not see this individual for say a few months and then you saw him randomly one day I am sure he would be happy to see you; similar to when you were friends way back when. But since he sees you all the time, not because you want to have fun with him but because you want to cuddle with you lovie poo he will resent you no matter what curse or magical spell you summon.

And the next problem: "You sitting at home watching TV with your cat when you are not with your boyfriend." This happens because you spend so much time with this individual you have removed yourself from societal reality. It is not normal in society to only have one person in your life that you spend a significant amount of time with. When your roommate wants to have "guy time" (which no guy ever says by the way) why don't you call a friend to hang out? Oh, it is because you do not pursue other friendships besides the one you are already in. This is deadly to not only your relationship situation 5 years from now but your interpersonal friendship situation in the future as well. You are deleting your ability to make new friends, forge new relationships, and discover things about people (not your boyfriend) that you never knew before. It is your debt to society to grow and develop as a human being. Human beings are not individual in nature, they live in groups, and please note that a group consists of more that two people.

This is a situation that some special people have to live with. We are changed by this situation, it shapes how we think.

As for the people in the relationship doing all the schmoozing in front of us....well they are changing themselves in a completely different direction.

So what can we do?

Well you can graduate, get a job, and find a place of your own. This is the only true fix. You can have talks, you can get to a point at which everyone says that "it's fine" but at the end of the day you will still be annoying.

Sorry I sound really mean but this is one of my more passionate theories/beliefs.

Evinrude,

I cannot agree more with what you say. I am one of the bothered and after speaking to my roommate several times, I've realized that no matter what her boyfriend does/says, his presence will be a bother.

I am also in a long-term relationship, but I see my boyfriend a few nights/week, spread about between our two places. We each have nights where we hang out with our friends seperately because we are not dependent on each other. I think that's the problem here with these couples who are together every night. When I ask if you'd like to hang out, and your first response is to see what his plans are, then you have a problem.

As much as I liked my roommate in the beginning, this experience has soured both our friendship and her friendship with our mutual friends. I'm just counting down the months to the end of our lease.

hi.. i dont know if anyone is still paying attention to this post.. but im in a similiar problem.. except my roommate happens to be a lesbian.

My roommate and i are like sisters... we were roommates in college and never had any major problems, and now we share a two bedroom, one bathroom house together. My problem with her girlfriend isnt that i dont like her, but a couple other things. 1) i dont like being woken up at 4am when she decides to leave and go to work.. using her hairdryer in a house where you can hear anything 2) i dont like that she is over every single night because my house is where i relax when im done working my two jobs, and it is where i want to have privacy and not be around random people 3) i am very tired of trying to watch tv in the living room and relax, or even just sleep in my own room when i can hear them "being intimate" two rooms away for hours 4) and this is probably the biggest one.. i miss my friend. We used to spend one on one time together, but now even if we do go out, she brings her girlfriend along. My roommate holes herself up in her bedroom with her girlfriend and only surfaces for air or to make dinner, and then she doesnt clean up after herself. If you leave dishes in the sink for a night, you might be busy.. ok. if you leave dishes in the sink for 4 days while your laying in bed with your hunny.. thats not cool. No sweeping, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, shoveling the drive... these are all chores we used to each take care of routinely before she became so involved.
Its weird because i dont want to sound like a jealous girlfriend, because im straight and there is no attraction, but when i signed up for a roommate i did just that. I didnt sign up to be a maid, and i only wanted to share my living space with one person. I can understand having someone over a few nights a week, or maybe even every other night if its really that serious of a relationship, but i dont feel like it is very fair for me to have someone i dont even know living in a house i pay rent for, and waking me up at odd hours and being an indirect cause of my roommates unproductiveness. Im looking for positive feedback here, so if you can help, thank you!

Anonymous...,

Hi. Well, I am struggling to think of the correct way to help you. Ok. Here is what I think you should do, though I am a guy and we have inherently different ways of handling problems, (i.e. you just go shopping and I go eat pounds of steak and punch things), but seriously I have no idea your personality so without that information I can't really give you a great answer.
That being said I will advise you according to what were in your situation (which I still am in.)
First. The fact that you do not create problems by writing your roommate silly notes and telling her off but instead seek outside help is very admirable and the fact that you care about this person's feelings is obvious.
Second. 1.)as far as the hair dryer in the morning (4AM) that would be terribly annoying...well there is a program you can download for free called "Atmosphere Lite" (just google search for it) and it generates all the sounds of nature. If you are able to sleep with background (white) noise I would suggest you teach your body to be able to sleep with the sounds playing, this will make it harder to hear the blow drier. When I was in the dorms my roommate and I were in a quad, yeah four guys in about 20sqft of space is the definition of annoying. All night my roommate would talk to his girl friend and no matter what we said he would just talk a little quieter and thing we couldn't hear his girlish (no offense) giggle from under the covers. Eventually we got tired of screaming "ROONN!!" Now what I and my other roommate did was get a standing fan, turn it on med, and put a bathroom towel over it (no joke) and it created the most wonderful white noise just quiet enough for me to be able to sleep but loud enough to keep giggles out of earshot. 2.) I know how you feel with the home being a place a calm and rest after a long days work, believe me it's tax season and I haven't gotten to bed later than 10:30PM (except for saturday nights) since the first of the year, and never fail the few moments I have to rest my roomate we will call "Ruprect" and his girlfriend will be around, always always always...well my best advice to you is to find a new "home" or place of peace. I am sorry to say but until they break-up (something i actively pray for(JK)) she will be in our house always. So i find myself wandering and I make where ever I am my home or place of peace, or I make my drums or guitar my home or place of peace, or I will go to my girlfriends and make that my place of peace...I guess what I am saying is until you own (or rent) your own place you really can not count on any solace at any given point of time so you have to make it for yourself. 3.) This is very similar to number 2, honestly I don't mean to be vulgar but I don't think that anyone screams louder than Ruprect's GF, seriously at one time he though it was funny when the whole house could hear her scream and to be honest it makes me so sad/upset when relationships become sex-heavy because that means they have completely lost themselves in the physicality. It becomes how they communicate, it becomes another language that teaches any couple to be selfish and that this relationship is not about love but pleasure. I know. I know. You think I'm wrong, you think I am some conservative stone age prude loser but you know what I don't really care...mostly because I see it everyday in them and I see it on TV (which I hate BTW) and I even see it in my own relationship and it drives me to the wall. Listen I know this is not the issue brought up but I sometimes ramble a bit...the point is if you have already let this situation happen more than once that you may be too late (unless you really want to) say something because your behavior of not saying something the first time was a signal to your roommate that that did not bother you. The sex type questions always get me in the wrong direct, I always get off topic and come to the same bottom line that the definition of love and infatuation are two entirely separate worlds. If it really bothers your you have every right you approach your roommate and ask her very kindly if she would try to keep that activity to when you are not home. Plain and simple. (Or you could grab two pots and run around the house baning them together screaming "OKLAHOMA!! OKLAHOMA!! OKLAHOMA!!"........well at least I plan on doing that one of these times.)
Ahh yes, the old question number 4.) Well i am a complete pessimist when it comes to this situation, i have recently had as awakening with my former group of friends and was so tired of the politics that were forced upon me I just up and stopped talking to two of them for the most part. The point was not that I was right but that I stood up for something. I've had the conversation with people who I missed because they were hanging out with there sig-fig (significant other) so much. To be honest I don't think they will ever understand. The bottom line is that they are happy, and you telling them you think they spend too much time together bothers you and that is often translated into you have a problem with the relationship in general which is never the case and well lets just say that when it is you against them they will always agree with what they are currently doing because who really intentionally does things they themselves don't agree with? In their mind everything is good and then here comes "big bad anonymous" telling the couple they spend too much time together and you miss your friend. I guess what complicates the situation is that your roommate is gay and her GF may see you actively seeking her time as an "agressive" move. Well it's funny I am also in that exact same situation with a female friend of mine who I used to be very best friends with. We used to hang out almost everyday and talk about anything anytime anywhere. Also i kinda liked her but just the way things were, I didn't want sex or to get intimate at all... I just wanted to hang out and learn and teach each other from our own past experiences. Well the point is she now has a BF and well she spends all of her time when she is not doing something (she's already a very busy person) with him and as "the best friend" i get the curb and I know why but i wish it didnt have to work that way.

The point is people will always do what they want, believe what they want, and act accordingly. The only thing you have control over is yourself. You have to spin every situation you perceive as negative (they see as positive) and adjust your behavior to make it more tolerable for yourself. I don't believe in the sit down pow-wow style of handling problems in these one on one types of situations because at the end of the day she is not cuddling with you she is with her. Please let me know if any of this helps and please hand in there you only have a few more months on the lease and you can make a better decision. (FIND SINGLE ROOMMATES!!!) Remember you are only in control of yourself and the moment you start throwing your weight around the worse the situation will become. And last but most importantly...this whole process, everything, is making you grow. You are becoming more and more conscientious everyday, every dish of hers that you wash you grow a little and likewise anytime you let those 4 day old pots and pans bother you you lose a little ground. Take control of yourself and you will be happy. Ask you friend to do things with you exclusively, maybe if you didn't allow it to become plans and did something spontaneous (if possible her GF permitting) that may work... anyway I feel for you and i hope your sanity can make it through the rest of the winter.

I feel with everyone here. I know what it is like to live seperately from your bf/gf but I also know what is like to have an unwelcome guest. I live with my boyfriend and to save money we got another roomate, who happens to be my cousin. From the beginning our roomate has had his girlfriend in our apartment around the clock!! At first we thought in was going to be a short relationship and we wouldn't have to be bothered for very long, but we are now into the second semester of our lease and she has been at our apartment since we came back form winter break. Literally she has been there everyday but maybe three r four days!!! She leaves the doors unlocked so she can come and go when she pleases or she will take our roomates key and just walk in whenever. She is very messy, she eats our food, showers, and wipes her makeup on the walls of our bathroom (I took the papertowels out of the bathroom because I was tired of her using them up)! She has even gone has far to have her friends come over to hang out even when our roomate isn't home!! We have tried to talk to our roomate a few times but he is a little clueless. What should we do I think I am going to lose my mind.

i'm in a similar situation- except i am the roomate who has her bf there every night. i have 2 roomates- who feel he has "moved" in and is a 4th "roomate." they have said if he contributes financially then they are fine with it.

he is there, not because he's trying to skip out on not paying rent, but because he wants to be there WITH ME. he sleeps in MY room, watches tv on MY tv, is there when I"M there but leaves when i leave, and does not have a key. i don't do much during the work week...i come home have dinner and watch tv. he's over to spend time with me.

i can understand what they say about him being there all the time; but he is not messy, his stuff is in my room, and doesn't eat or use any of their stuff. he even does the dishes more often than them!!

the resolution is him helping financially- we split the utilities 4 ways. fine, that's maybe $40-60 each (we only pay cable and electric).

he's not on the lease. he's essentially the "man on the couch." his only belongings are a few clothes items (in my room) and soap/shampoo in the bathroom. the other two have their own rooms (2 of us share a bathroom and the other has her own), and he's sleeping in my room for which i pay rent for and my portion of utilities every month.

the other roomate has a bf also, but doesn't share her bathroom. he doesn't stay over during the week, but is there during the weekend. he showers there, has done laundry there, and in the past used to stay over more often (was never an issue with me). but to her, he's only "visiting" not "living" there. they choose to not stay together during the work week together. i choose to spend this amount of time i do with my bf. i think if her bf there on the weekends, then guess what he should be contributing as well.

i don't think my bf should be paying even half (which would be at least $300+) of what i pay for rent!

i suggested to the roomates as a resolution:
splitting the utilities 4 ways
$100 contribution towards "rent." (a 1/3 of what i pay-if they want to split it between the two of them fine, i don't care about the extra $33).

i don't think he should be added to the lease because he doesn't have his own room. he still would not have a key, which requires him to go in or out with ME. but since he will be contributing financially, then he has the right to be there when i'm not. when i mentioned this fact, they still had an issue. the only belongings he would have are his clothes, that go in my room, and bathroom stuff.

my question is- how much should he contribute towards "rent."

this makes me feel as if he has to pay to spend time with me!!

I am living in a similar situation. My roommate has his gf over every single night, and they talk and have sex and make noise for hours on end. It becomes difficult to sleep, concentrate, or do anything. I cannot hang out with my roommate at all, because I instantly become the 3rd wheel. I find solace in my friend's dorm, but I wish I could just live in peace sometimes. I am so sick of coming into my dorm, only to find that my room is locked, so I have to sit in the kitchen for hours. And when the room is not locked, my roommate and his gf are sitting on his bed yapping about god knows what, and I just cannot stay in the room.

She also eats all of our food. More specifically all of MY food. My oatmeal, bread, milk, pudding, waffles, cereal, raman, EVERYTHING. It is really beginning to piss me off. And all she does is bitch constantly about her roommates, so obviously she never wants to stay in her room.

In fact, right now as I am typing this, I can hear my roommate and his gf having sex in our common room/kitchen area. No wonder I cannot sleep at 5am, and I am here typing this rant...

Maybe she'll get pregnant, that would shock her current lifestyle, and from the sounds of it she could probably use a little divine intervention...Evinrude is right couple like that just bang all day with no consequences really bothers me too, and they're destroying all of other interpersonal relationships including their own with the BF/GF!!!

I agree w/ mostly everyone on this blog, and am the roomate. My questions are 1) when we signed the lease with this roomate he was single so we didn't set down rules for having just one person over. 2)why can't they go to her apartment?! Her being over her every other day and bossing me around in my house is pissing me off. I don't want to ruin the relationship my fiance, the other roomate, and I have with him but she's making it unbearable and he doesn't listen to confrontation. He's the best man in our wedding and this is making us seriously regret that decision. ARgh!

You know im in this same situation now except i find it a little more extreme. Me and a friend of mine decided to get a place together found this amazing house. Around this time she started hanging out with this homeless, toothless, dirty guy. Who after 3 days of moving into our place he had already been staying here for 4. So i have this homeless guy who never showers dosent have a job is missing teeth useing my things and she is taking things out of my permission. So hes been sleeping here a month. My friends wont come over becuase of the smell. Ive tried to talk to her about it on numerous occasions and she gets really defensive and is apparently in love with this homeless guy. Im about to have a nervous break down, My friends refuse to come over now if hes here and thats all the time, some of my shit is going missing and im trying to find any excuse to stay at someone elses place to get away from it. But we signed a year lease. I dont know if i should go to the land lord about this. But i really cant afford to move out of here which is the crappy part. Any advice? When i talk to her all se says is "i shouldnt have to regulate how much my boyfriend stays over here" Well...you know what hes effin homeless so its not like he has his own place to go to ARG!! *pulls out hair*

Anon,

Your situation is beyond the scope of us amateur advisors. You'll need to find some professionals to sort this out. Is there a renter's hotline where you live? Can you call your local social services office? Or go to your local legal aid office with your lease and see if they could help? Or bite the bullet and go to your landlord. He might kick you both out, but even that may be better than your current situation. Good luck!

I wish people would read the entire board before they left comments...it's all here people, the key to a good roommate is as simple as not having one. At the end of the day you have to compensate your lifestyle for whatever the other person chooses to do. some people make the rules and others just take it and write on blogs because they don't know what else to do...and here I am doing the same.

I'm not here to say I have all the answers, in fact the opposite, you already know what has to be done. You KNOW you can't live with this person and after the first month you were aware of their true priorities and that they actually only care about themselves, otherwise they would respect your wishes and have the dirty toothless man leave.

My solution? Well in a few years, after my student loans are paid up I am going to move to the adirondacks and live with the perfect roommate. Nature. This is the answer people y'all are just to skeet skeet to admit that to make things better you have to actually hurt feelings and let people know how you feel, otherwise they will trample over you forever.

evinrde - out

Hi,
I was just looking through some of these types of sites on the internet and this one is EXACTLY like my case. My roommate and I have lived together for about 6 months and he has started dating someone. She's a really nice girl, but she stays here 24/7. I enjoy my sleep, i get up around 8:30 on weekdays, unless, that is I'm not woken up by a blaring TV in the next room. It would be somewhat Ok, but he's already left for work. She will lounge around MY small apartment until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Eat my food, shower, dirty my linens, and the kicker, her 'bathroom materials' just sit on the bathroom counter. I feel quite invaded and have absolutely no privacy. I approached my roommate, he took great offense to it and now she's here more. Anyone have any ideas on what i can do?

Punch him in the throat...seriously, though maybe if your comfortable with it talk to the girl, they are sometimes more reasonable...she may understand and actively come over less...I had a similar thing happen when my roommate was approached his g/f was over even more.....